The Death of Jimmy Idle

En one shot om en mands sidste sekunder...

Noget jeg lavede for at komme ud af en skriveblokering, jeg synes den var fin, så jeg beholdt den.

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"Jimmy." the man in the white suit said as one of his thugs tied me up to a chair, I didn't resist. A cold shiver crept its way up my spine, as he spoke my name. The sweat ran down my face as I stared into the blood red wall of my own basement. Maude had taken the kids out today, so they wouldn't hear my cries for help.
"Why didn't you just do what I told you? Huh?" he continued in his thick Brooklyn accent. His voice cried rough and sinister, like a crow's schreech.

I tried to speak, but the thug cut me short by stuffing a white piece of cloth in my mouth and tying it to the back of my head.
"I'll do the talking thank you, Mr. Idle." he said.
For a while, he just stood there, as if he were making a dramatic pause. His suit, white as an eagles head, illuminated the corners of my dark cellar. His italian leather shoes clanked against the cold concrete floor as he walked back and forth in the room, like a ticking clock, making me all the more aware that this, was my time. My heart skipped a beat, as he recontinued his monolouge.

"You betrayed my trust, Jimmy. I placed my confidence on you to complete an unquestionably simple task, and not only did you fail, you took it one step further. It's a shame. I liked you, I really did, but what you did simply can't be forgiven."

He never actually mentioned my going to die, but whatever doubt I had was gone when he pulled out a gun from his inside pocket and let his wielding arm hang down the side of his body.

"Now, before I shoot you Jimmy, do you want a last smoke? I am a noble guy after all." he said.
I twitched when he spoke the word 'noble'. I had known the man for years and seen what grusome things he had done. There were many words I would use to describe him, but noble was not one of them. I remained silent, I didn't dare to say anything.
"Oh. That's right! You told me, you quit a few months back...but are you sure? It's no shame now. I mean, you're not going to be around much longer."
I still said nothing. "That's a no, huh? Fine."
He raised his arm, pointing the gun at my head. I pressed my teeth together and closed my eyes, waiting for the bullet to hit. I heard the sound of an explosion. And I was gone.

En dejlig lille kort historie må man da sige
Jeg kan godt lide beskrivelserne især af ham med pistolen. Det giver en rigtig stemning, og så man virkelig kan forstille ham foran sig.

Nice done i would say
Det eneste der kunne rettes eller gøres bedre, men det er kun for mig selv, det var at den skulle ha været længere det ville jeg have haft nydt.
Man kunne evt have gjort den længere ved at man får flashbacks tilbage til, hvad der egenligt var sket. Men det var også dejligt, at man ikke ved hvad det er, så bliver man lidt ekstra nysgerrig

Tak for komplimentet. Men sådan som det står nu, har jeg ikke tænkt mig at skrive videre på den. Jeg synes den gode er at læseren får frit rum til at forestille sig hvad der egentlig er sket. Så kan de indsætte deres egne sandheder i stedet for at på nogen påduttet af forfatteren. Jeg tog især inspiration fra popart, hvor kunstneren maler en scene, og så kan beskueren krydre det med sin egen fantasi, et kunstværk der stiller spørgsmål til beskueren.

ja men som jeg også skrev, så er det også dejligt, at man nemlig ikke ved det
Men i hvert fald har du gjort et godt job

Tak skal du have.

Det var skam så lidt :-D

Som sådan en fin lille historie, men den står lige nu, kunne jeg godt bruge lidt mere suspense. Dvæle lidt ved de små detaljer, få udskudt øjeblikket så længe som muligt, før du skynder dig gennem det, der egentlig sker. Det er et af de værktøjer, man kan benytte med mest succes på engelsk og jeg tror du ville have en prisvinder, hvis du bare fik styr på den lille ting. Der er også nogle få sproglige vendinger, du ikke har helt styr på. Det er specifikt dine præpositioner, som bliver forvekslet for hinanden og det er en skam, da forholdsordene er den vigtigste ordklasse i det engelske sprog, da de kan afgøre forskellen på "He met me at the train station" og "He met me on the train station"
Men som sagt, hvis du får styr på de små ting, vil du stå overfor et litterært højdepunkt, hvilket vel lidt er det, vi alle gerne vil ende med ... Eller er det bare mig?
Keep up the good work

Sød lille tekst. Sød er måske så meget sagt...
Du er god til at fange stemningen, men jeg er mere til noget lidt mere langstrakt. Mange detaljer. Men meget bedre end mine blokeringstekster (: